oh, hello august.
it's nice to see you, though i must admit...
that how quickly you arrived prickles my brain.
The existential reminders you and the heat bring now.
Time doesn’t move any slower. I blink and I’m 36, though my mind has been forced to go back to my 26 year old self.
Where did that time go, August? Between then and now?
To life and living and loving and exploring. To moving and processing and healing and all the like.
Oh, the things I’d do differently at the end of that portal. But let’s not dwell there, August. Let’s remember: I needed home, family, a soft place to land. I needed to be around people I knew loved me, not imagined that they did in other circumstances or time. Not people who said they did while their actions said otherwise.
August, I needed your warmth.
10 years ago this month I left New York, which, upon reflection, continues to be one of the most traumatic and challenging times of my life. Leaving saved my life. A time that’s been of far too much conversation in the last year, but perhaps for the best. Those conversations have shown me what I told myself to cope, to keep my ego afloat.
The reality, more sad: I was rejected, disliked, unloved.
It’s okay now. I don’t feel an emotional charge when I acknowledge or write that, it just is. I might’ve during one of those conversations, but the acceptance rate is much faster in regards to that time these days.
I’m sure some liked me enough, but no one knew what was going on inside—not even me. But August, you knew, and you illuminated the path. A healing retreat before home; it’s what I absolutely needed. Some agency, some power back, a solo plane ride to another country where I knew no one except the women who were to lead us (parasocially, via the internet).
August, you reminded me I can choose. You reminded me I can leave whenever I want or need. That I deserve sun, sand, good food, sisterhood. Naps by the pool. Tropical fruit. Different languages swimming in our ears. Laughter, sweet as papaya. Palm to palm, gazing into another’s eyes. Being seen, being held. In reverence, in compassion. To do the same for another. No judgment, no scrutiny, just a place to be held in love. Even with a complete stranger, we were love for each other when we needed it most.
August, you remind me of warmth and love and autonomy. You remind me of a land welcoming me home even when my ego told me it wasn’t ideal. August, you remind me to choose myself. Over other’s perspectives, opinions, or judgments. You remind me of choice and the peace that lies on the other side of choices that feel right. Choices that choose us. The ones that sometimes feel chosen for us before a bubble bursts. Before we burst.
August, that’s all in the past. Hold my heart now, remind me to choose. To not compare. To love my self, my here and now. To not only feel the warmth you bring but also allow it to sink in, illuminate me from the inside out. To let the light minimize clutter and distraction.
August, help me clear the space so I can let the light in, so I can bring to life what breathes inside of me.
So I can be present, creative, and free.
Thank you for reading my journal entry from this morning. I don’t usually journal in that way, but after a meditation and some yoga, my YouTube algorithm sent me this video and I felt the vibes take over, and it felt really cool to write in that way. It just came to me, “oh, hello August,” and the rest flowed.
It was also nice journaling alongside someone, especially someone with such sweet energy and with great music taste! Funny, the echoing of parasocial and what I mentioned above in my entry, but it shows me how much people can share just showing up as themselves.
I highly recommend, and it inspired me to do something similar. It’s time to show up, quit hiding, quit letting other people’s perceptions and opinions keep me guessing and questioning myself. Enough is enough.
After, I went to my kitchen. Lots to do. Dishes, breakfast, meal prep. I thought I was just going to make breakfast, but it quickly became a lot more. I listened to this week’s CHANI forecast and whew! I just wanted to share because what she brought up in reflection really spoke to me and what I journaled about this morning.
(PS. They’re offering 30 free days for the CHANI app with the code “fuckai”, which I highly recommend and use daily!)
Chani said (I’m paraphrasing because I took notes) to think of/identify yourself beyond what you’ve survived, lost, grieved, and overcome. And while those parts are all valid and important, to go beyond that, take a step further. I want to share what she said because I think it’s something so many of us need to hear right now:
Identify with yourself as someone who’s thriving, growing, winning, creatively self-expressing, generating, and deeply grateful.
What are we outside of surviving?
What are you outside of your identities around what was negatively impacted you or what’s been hard to shoulder or what burden you’ve had to carry?
What’s bigger than that?
This was for the Capricorn risings (shout out to us but also, you ok?), but I think so many of us need to hear it in general. We’re so focused on what we need to fix, heal, improve—when do we just get to thrive? I think this feels especially strong for millennials, especially creative millennials. Those of us who know we are meant for more but have a hard time getting out of our own way. Add trauma into the mix and it’s really easy to feel as though we’re just destined to suffer.
I know I needed to hear it and it perfectly aligned with what I reflected on this morning. And with the algorithm bringing Vani to my attention! These kinds of synchronicities feel so sweet and grounding, I had to share.
Wishing you the sweetest, brightest, most loving and abundant August.
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if you’d like to buy me a ko-fi (chai, in my case) or send me a book from my wishlist from bookshop.org (which directly supports one of my favorite indie bookstores, Rep.Club), i would be incredibly grateful. :)
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