i yearn, but i am happy
i yearn, but i am happy
this letter went nowhere but stick with me
ever since the summer
when i came here to start this draft and wrote the title and the subtitle, i had just thought those words: i yearn, but i am happy. that was last week.
this week i was not so happy.
Janelle Monáe, one of my favorite artists of all time that I am so grateful to exist in the same time as, is embodying this “age of pleasure” in their album, their interviews, their social media presence, everything. it’s inspiring, it’s right on time, it’s ahead of their time, it’s all of it. it’s what i aim to live in and embody myself—create for my life. there comes a certain level of class privilege to life that free, but there are ways we all can work toward it and whatever it means to and for us.
i don’t know what comes from this. from this time, this newsletter, me and my incessant need to spill on the page. i’ve had a lot of wants over the years. some might say too many. at times these wants have been suffocating. maybe the wanting is what’s kept me stuck. i’m tired of feeling stuck. something that helps me feel unstuck isn’t just writing, but traveling. i’ve been fortunate to travel a lot in the last year and a half, sometimes it felt like too much, but every time i get pre-trip anxiety, it all goes away once i arrive at the airport or get in the car and go.
traveling and spending time with the people i love are two times when i feel i am living the most. when i am doing something out in the world, even if it’s just getting dinner, these are things i’m not willing to sacrifice even more my own capital. because to me, life is about much more than that.
once i was told that i am obsessed with relationships. “why?” they asked like it was wrong or confusing to them. clearly, i’ve never forgotten this light interrogation. i didn’t have an answer at the time, i just absorbed the judgment and the implication that i should stop caring so much about relationships and just live my life. now, when it comes to romance, i certainly agree—and that’s why i absorbed it. i was overly focused on romance at the time, desperate for a partner, “my person.” of course, as it goes, as soon as i stopped focusing on it—it happened. i thought i had found “my” person. i’m not sure if such a notion even exists, but i was convinced.
years later, i’m still thinking about this focus on relationships. i’ve had to reframe a lot of my worldview away from other people and more onto myself. sounds counterintuitive maybe, or even narcissistic—if we’re staying in the narrow framework of blanket social media terms—but it was more removing other people from my marrow. instead of worrying about other people’s thoughts and opinions, even their feelings, i had to let it all go. i learned from a very young age that i was meant to manage other’s emotions. if something was wrong, even if it had nothing to do with me, i was in fear that i was the problem or that someone was mad at me. this all stems from a dysfunctional home life, but as i grew older, it felt like literally pulling layers of other people’s thoughts/opinions/behaviors literally off of me. because they aren’t me, i just absorbed them before i could even be aware of it. but i still care about relationships in my life beyond romance. they bring me joy and community is important to me.
looking back, i’m not even sure i knew who i was. i hear my therapist saying “no one does in their 20s” but i think some really do. some people grow up so secure and with such strong foundation that they don’t have to have all of the tough lessons to figure it out. to figure out how to be their own person without all of the weight. leaving my hometown, living in other cities, traveling and meeting all kinds of people, making friends, losing friends, and playing out patterns from childhood with people in adulthood, all of these things helped me figure out who i am while informing who i am. this isn’t unique to me, i think we all experience this on some level, but there is something about traveling that i think teaches us who we are and who we want to be.
last week sometime i thought, “i yearn, but i am happy.” there are still things i want, but i was content that week. i was thinking about Sicily and new friends and the fun media i share down below that came out and the people that inspire me and fill me up creatively.
this week? not so much. i’ve been sad. i’ve felt hurt. over things i’m not even sure about, just from trusting my gut and the intuitive things i’m feeling.
it’s okay to be sad, but i don’t fucking want to be. i know what i need to do, and being in a limbo state can be incredibly frustrating. waiting on external factors and people before you can make a move. i’m positive about the outcome, but the waiting can be draining. i trust the timing, and i’m also anxious and ready to go. ready to make a move. ready to excel and propel and create and be in my own age of pleasure, like Janelle Monáe. i’m also scared, but i’ve been here before. i don’t want to be here again in this way. this time, i am truly ready to move on.
here we go, another unedited newsletter that i’m spitting out and sending on its way. i hope some of it makes sense. i hope you feel joy and that you’re with the people you love. if there’s someone you need to say “i love you” to today, please do that. book the flight. get in the car. do whatever feels right for you. say yes to yourself, it’s incredibly important, and i’m going to keep talking about this i am sure.
things i am enjoying and too excited to share:
Janelle Monáe’s THE AGE OF PLEASURE album
my favorite songs: the rush/french 75/water slide as an entire cluster is… phenomenal, i’m counting it as 2 instead of 1 song lol, champagne shit/black sugar beach, a dry red is so beautiful and should be two minutes longer. 🥺
Oscar Isaac’s interview on Talk Easy Pod
thank you to my friend Noelia for sharing this with me. yes, she knows i am in love with him and shared it with me for that reason, but beyond the dreamy eyes and perfect face, he is truly a thoughtful and incredibly inspiring human. i highly recommend it. i listened to Pedro Pascal’s episode on the same podcast as well, and that was just as good.
i don’t have one specific prompt for you this week, but i’d love to hear any thoughts you have about what i shared. or if you’re listening to JM’s new album, what you think and what your favorite songs are. where are you dying to travel to and why? what about relationships? why are they important to you?
‘til next sunday. x