i got that cat in me

really though, i'm a S.A.M.: Sensitive Ass M*therf*cker, and if you are too... read on

gorgeous art by Em Niwa

i never saw myself as a “cat person.” i didn’t dislike cats, i just never thought about having one. i should’ve known at some point, because i always wanted my own Rajah, i created a brand with cat symbolism, i love my alone time, the list goes on. since i adopted one, it has become even clearer to me how much i relate to cats and how they reflect my essence. we’re both intuitive, curious, sensitive, cuddly creatures.

i’ve always been a sensitive person. part genes, part nurture, part trauma that has led me here. it’s increased in recent years thanks to some factors i’m not keen to indulge yet; i’m sensitive to sounds, sensitive to my surroundings, sensitive to the people around me. part of this just comes with being an empathic and intuitive person, but there can also be more.

i’ve had more than average anxiety lately (albeit still mild, according to an assessment), but not only lately. like, for going on a few+ years now, from events and circumstances that have piled on. i didn’t truly realize it until recently. i even had almost three panic attacks this year, two from claustrophobic responses to a car and plane ride where i felt physically flushed, and one from waking up with my heart racing and feeling like i was going to throw up. i’ve always been claustrophobic to an extent, but never have i had trouble on an airplane where i needed to move seats.

this year has been so fast and i fear that our world is spiraling faster than we can grasp. while covid was/is a horrific thing that’s impacted so many people negatively and there is no justification for it, it did benefit us in one major way: it forced us to slow down.

in an interview with Trevor Noah on his new podcast (linked below), Janelle Monáe (who has she/they pronouns, if you get confused about my writing) spoke about how they partially were able to create their latest album thanks to being forced to slow down. i didn’t create shit in 2020, although i did finally take a writing class that propelled me into novel writing, and now i’m finally hoping to finish that novel in 2024. sometimes things don’t happen as fast as we want them to, or on the timeline we think they should, or slower than others (gotta love that comparison demon), and that’s okay. do i already wish i was a best-selling author who’s accomplished all the dreams that swim in the garden of my mind and heart and soul? sure! but is it also a lot more fun when you know things are happening right on time when you’re actually ready for them? yes, that too, maybe more importantly. because if there’s anything i know looking back on my 20s is that i was nowhere near ready for what i daydream of then and now.

my anxiousness has taken on new heights to the point of my therapist recommending medication. i have been contemplating that idea since. it made me more anxious to think that my anxiousness was so much that i would actually need medication for it. shame crept in. i told my therapist, “i don’t judge other people for needing [or wanting] medication, but i never wanted to be someone who did.” maybe it’s too soon to share this as i’m still at the beginning stage of this journey, still undecided on the path.

i am someone who’s done yoga, meditation, walks, plant medicine, healed their vitamin deficiencies (we all have them, so get ya blood work done!), but still has a lot of stressors going on. i mean, even seemingly small things will spike my cortisol quickly and i can physically feel it. i know stress may never go away, but i know it can certainly improve. my therapist cleared the fog for me by telling me that taking medication doesn’t necessarily have to be forever. “maybe these are a tool to help you get where you want to be, to bridge a gap,” she said. that relieved a lot of anxiety (lol) for me, and took some pressure off. oh, this isn’t a final sentence! i don’t have to do this forever! then my dad reminded me to not even put a timeline on it. to just see what happens, if i decide to go for it.

it’s been a very challenging time for self-care, and i’m literally starting to feel it in my chest. i saw a tiktok the other day and illustrated the feeling perfectly. you go into “functional flight”—stuck on your phone and unable to get up to do basic care for yourself, missing meals and not drinking enough water, not getting up to move your body enough, it’s awful. combine that with PMDD and it’s a recipe for disaster. the anxiousness rises and my nervous system tightens and it all boils up into my upper chakras that are so spun out i can’t even focus or think. even right now, as i’m writing this, my brother is playing an anime-style video game where people are speaking super fast, so fast that i feel like i can’t breathe. this is how sensitive i feel lately. it could be anything. Sookie could groom for too long and i’ll feel like i’m going to lose it. constant overstimulation.

i need peace. and calm. and quiet. i don’t just want it. i need it. we all. need it.

the way Janelle Monáe carries herself is how i want to not only carry myself, but how i want to feel all of the time. maybe it’s not possible all of the time, but more often than not.

this week i was blessed to have a Reiki session with my lovely friend,

kimia madani

, (highly recommend!!) and we talked about all of this a lot. one of my many takeaways from our session: don’t underestimate the little things that bring you calm! Those things that bring you back to center, back to yourself, back to peace.

here are some of those things for me:

• a steamy cup of tea or a chai latte

• reading

• candles, string lights, and other ambiance lighting

• the best ambiance YouTube videos with jazz music and/or nature sounds. here’s a favorite of mine that i’ve probably shared before. i want to open a café like this. any takers? 👀

• laying in the sun and feeling the warmth fill me up

• flower essences

• sprays of different herbs & oils like rose water. this one was my favorite but i swear the formula isn’t the same. *sheds tear* unless it was just the one i happened to get last.

• yoga/deep breathing

• bookstores

• janelle monáe (see below again!) & oscar isaac’s voices

• pasta

• hugs

• the rain

• painting/drawing - any creative act that is physical and not as cerebral as writing

• and i’m sure many more things i’m forgetting at the moment!

i share this in hopes that if you struggle with similar things that you feel less alone and maybe some comfort in not being alone in this. life is not easy for anyone and there is way too much going on—personally, professionally, nationally, internationally—it’s exhausting. so, take care of yourself the best you can and be easy on yourself. we’ll unpack more.

tell me in the comments below: what are some things that bring you peace and calm and deep tranquility? how are you managing self-care in the midst of current events?

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i highly recommend this entire episode as Janelle & Trevor are always full of wit, wisdom, and so much heart & soul. i love them both (and hate those Starbucks commercials, but that’s the hellscape we live in).

‘til next time!

x