expectations high, hopes low

it's a funny, delirious thing

Say isn't it strange?
Isn't it strange?
I am still me
You are still you
In the same place

Isn't it strange
How people can change
From strangers to friends
Friends into lovers
And strangers again?

— Strange, Celeste

a strange week, a strange full moon.

the astrologers say we should be expressing ourselves more authentically, feeling more aligned. but personal correlations don’t care what the moon says.

i have felt somewhat more aligned, but i have also felt more out of whack in some ways. life is layered, and some layers are harder to manage than others. the multiple spinning plates of adulthood can be too much sometimes. especially when you’re not where you want to be or see yourself yet, but i try to remember to be grateful for how far i’ve come and to acknowledge my work and progress. we all deserve that grace.

this week i learned…

• i’m not ready to have therapy breaks longer than two weeks

• i’m not done grieving the end of 2022 (and that’s okay! it comes in waves and each time, the next wave is more gentle than the last)

• i still miss people i wish i didn’t

• i deserve a lot more love and care than i have received in the past, and i’m welcoming it more than ever - actually receiving it from the people in my life, and so grateful for that

• people are in the past for a reason, and i am leaving them there—some with love, some with indifference, some without an ounce of acknowledgment

• sometimes people try to be helpful but end up being hurtful instead

• more empathy is required, always

• so is not taking things personally, because their being hurtful isn’t intentional, even if knowing that doesn’t make it hurt less

i’m grappling with life right now. changes, fears, all of the blank space and open possibilities and what to fill it with, figuring out what i want and what my boundaries are, boundaries with myself and frivolous things like social media, being cut loose by the universe, feeling like i am not only spinning on a rock in space but that i also am in space—you know, without the gravity and earth below my feet. but that’s okay.

i did have a moment of hopelessness this week. i felt worthless, unworthy of everything i want, knowing how absurd that sounds to write or say out loud. my inner sabateur waiting for the opportune moment to whisper in my ear. where i’m at right now, i simply can’t even imagine myself having the life i dream of. some days are more hopeful than others.

to elaborate on my poetically cryptic title. my expectations for myself and others feel very high right now. they likely always have been. whether they’re fair or right is going to take more time to explore; i just know they’re there. but sometimes, my hopes are quite low. i oscillate being positivity and cynicism. either it’s the Gemini life, the result of trauma and repeated patterns of disrespect and heartbreak, or both.

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what’s in my ears this week

let’s pivot, shall we?

i’ve gotten back into music again in the last few months which feels really good. i was listening to this spotify playlist that i actually love more than i thought i would and stumbled upon Celeste. ummmm… do yourself a favor and listen to this woman?! i am quite upset i haven’t heard her music before. i’m 3 songs into her discography and i have loved each one, starting with Strange. i immediately went to her album, Not Your Muse, and the first song, Ideal Woman, is just as good, and Stop This Flame is a great follow-up. if you like R&B & jazz (and another genre i can’t put my finger on—someone let me know… indie?), this album is the perfect combo.

what else am i listening to? a lot of indie music. i never think of myself as an indie girl but here we are. part of me always has been. i guess there’s a certain sound to what i like that threads through songs that are very different individually.

here’s a list of what’s on heavy rotation right now in no order (besides Celeste):

1. Stay Soft — Mitski

   1. i just love this song. and this line gets me every time: open up your heart / like the gates of hell

2. Surprise — Chlöe

   1. the epitome of this emoji: 🥵

   2. you were warned.

3. In My Feelings — Lana Del Rey

   1. well, i have been, but also this is a LDR song i could listen to over and over.

4. This Hell — Rina Sawayama

   1. someone on YouTube summed this song up perfectly: “This song is like Shania Twain meets Lady Gaga. It's queer, it's camp, it's everything. In this house, we stan Miss Rina.”

5. Private Idaho — The B-52’s

   1. i have Adam Sandler to thank for this one, or whoever did the music for The Wedding Singer, which was on TV a few weekends ago. Rock Lobster? Love Shack? they’re cool and all, but this might be my fave of this cool, wacky, hipster band. not to mention the harmonization between Kate & Cindy is perfection in every song of theirs.

6. Good in Bed — Dua Lipa

   1. this album has been out for 2ish years and i’m just now hearing this bop? tragic, but better late than never.

   2. also, mood. the bad-bad-bad-bad-bad part.

7. Angel in Disguise — Brandy

   1. revisited Never Say Never because i’ve been in the biggest R&B mood.

   2. if you know Brandy, this song is like a prelude to Full Moon, and i love it.

   3. fun fact: this album came out a few days after my birthday. 😎

8. Burning Desire — Lana Del Rey

   1. Lana twice on a music list of mine was not something i ever saw coming

   2. another spicy one 🔥 sonically, i am just obsessed with this song. it’s sexy, sultry, cinematic, angsty, everything.

   3. i actually don’t think this music video does the song justice at all, so i didn’t bother attaching that one.

9. U Send Me Swingin’ — Mint Condition

   1. this song popped in my head randomly last week or so and i haven’t been able to shake it since—explain

10. Viens a Moi — Daniel Hart

    1. we’ll get into this on my other substack, The Highlight Reel, at some point… 👀 because i was vampire-crazed in the end of 2022!

    2. this show’s soundtrack is fantastic. period.

    3. here’s my other favorite, which will likely be on the #1 spot of my ‘on repeat’ Spotify playlist for the rest of the year.

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tell me in the comments: how do you lift yourself up when you feel “hopeless”? did you listen to any of those songs, and if so, which was/were your favorite(s)?

while i have you, liking this post on substack is a huge help! sharing on socials if you resonated, and commenting is always appreciated. i love to hear from you.

‘til next sunday. x

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